Crickets & Joyful Consideration

               As I walked my one and a half year old labradoodle, Maggie (or ‘Doodles’ as we affectionately called her), early this morning – I couldn’t help but think that after a long hot summer, it was shockingly pleasant at 4:30AM. I remember just a month ago it was so hot outside that even the crickets refused to sing. But this morning’s temperature was undeniably comfortable, the crickets sounded as if they were lulling themselves to sleep, and rabbits lazily hopped away from Doodles’ overeager sniffing. I was up so early because when my boyfriend fiancé travels out of town for work – I like to wake up at the same time he does, text him to make sure he got to the airport, and generally accept the suffering of being up so early as a gesture, to say – “You don’t have to be awake this early all by yourself – I’ll gladly be ‘by your side’ no matter what.”

                Between the crickets, the ambiance of the morning, and messaging my fiancé about how deep my love runs for him (sappy I know, but a gal has to make sure her fella knows these things because you never know what could happen next) – I also couldn’t help thinking about how much had changed since this time last year, or the year before.

 Two years ago I had just moved to Texas – with two weeks’ notice and only the assurance from God that everything I had been waiting for might just find me in this new strange state. I had just moved in with my older sister to help her with my nieces, one of whom was fairly ill & and had been for some time. I had just started realizing the gravity of the fact I had left my home of 17 years in Seattle (the home of coffee, drizzling rain, the smell of sea salt in the air, mountain hikes, crafty people everywhere, and an innate cultural penchant for introspection) for Fort Worth (a city where everyone is friendly, people seem to have real drive and purpose, where crickets croak endlessly, sandals are a must, and rain only ever comes suddenly and all at once). Suffice it to say – I felt pretty lost. But hopeful.

 Me & the nieces,doing what we do - which is obviously drawing mustaches on our faces.

                This time last year I was wrapping up a long, hot, strange summer filled with missteps, unexpected (and sometimes unwanted) adventure, and hard lessons. Often with long scorching evenings spent in my hammock out on the porch just drowsily pondering past, present & future. This time last year I learned about setting boundaries to protect myself & those I love; screening choices I make for their impact on myself and others before making them. I learned about my worth as a woman & what I truly have to offer. And for the next several months I would quietly keep all this to myself, keep to myself in general, and focus on getting my heart right. 

I don't miss those hammock days.

                Truthfully, I felt really comfortable in that quietness…until late October when I start talking with this really hunky and at the time slightly unavailable guy. We hit it off, but stayed friends for some time – because as it turns out he was healing in ways I knew all too well, and cautious in a way that I completely identified with. That is, until mid-December…when we, and everyone around us, realized there really was something between us that couldn’t be shrugged off or ignored.

Adam & I, last December on our way to visit his parents...
...just a few short weeks after we started dating.

                Here I am, nine months later (quite literally – yesterday was the ‘9-monthiversary’ of our decision to see where this could go) typing this brief memoir of sorts in an effort to preserve the undeniable weight this morning’s long walk brought to my heart . Noting with great joy that I have finally found my home. Not only is it with great joy, in its truest form, that I type all this – but also with the glint and sparkle of the amazing engagement ring he gave me just a mere week and a half ago when he (completely) surprised me at the end of the best day of my life…to be his wife. And though the blinding (okay, not really – but almost) twinkles radiating from my left ring finger certainly are a bit distracting…what blows my mind is this:

In one moment you can think your heart is so broken & your story too messy to find where you belong. But, in almost the very next – you can stumble upon the path that will lead you home into the arms of the one you love, into safety, into trust, into the reality that you really will spend every day for the rest of your life laughing & smiling with the greatest gratitude at your unpredictably good fortune.

And I intend to spend my remaining days on this planet, numbered or few they may be, to express my gratitude to him for the joy he’s brought into my life.